So here it begins…the “restart” of my writing journey. The sharing of my voice–my unique voice. Braving to share myself with a world that may never truly understand me, but empowered because of a God who fully understands me.
I’d like to begin by stating listening to country music (shout out Kane Brown), is probably not the most beneficial way to blog, but there’s something about this genre of music that can really get the tear ducts flowing. Yet, I digress…
This is the season I’m in. I love teaching; I hate being a teacher. I’m tired. I’m asked to focus on tasks that don’t matter while simultaneously being expected to perform miracles with students who don’t come to class, can’t speak English or feel coming to school alone is the only requirement for earning a 70. I miss the slow pace at which my life moved in Cali (ironic, right…). I miss my dad. I wish I could look back on a childhood full of laughter and love instead of trauma and pain. I miss the ferventness of ministry when I was in my twenties. I desire closer relationships and the willingness to continue when those relationships cause unbearable hurt. To love because I love, not because the other person gives it to me. Yet still have the boundaries and assertiveness to speak when boundaries are being violated.
I live in the tension of the unknown.
I’m prone to focus on all that is missing instead of what is here.
Even as I write, I recall prophetic words of the book I’m to write. The book I can’t even fathom. The book somewhere in the future comprised of words I can’t in this moment believe anyone would want to read. Comprised of words I don’t even have. I recall the visions I have of speaking. I see me standing on a stage, sharing with fierceness and boldness all that God through Christ offers His people. How he yearns that they would now Him and follow Him. I hear the countless times people have asked me if I wanted to be a pastor (pfft).
Right now, I know I’m not there. I don’t want to chase those things. I don’t want to chase things that put me in the spotlight. I want to be known without being seen, but is that really possible? I don’t want to chase success or accolades. I want to chase joy! Not simply choose joy; I want to chase it with all my heart come what may.
There will be people looking. There will be obstacles. It won’t look like anyone next to me, but if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can endure as He did. I can recognize the pain of this sinful world and not take on the shame. I can still have joy in the midst of the opposition that comes. Maybe this is it. Maybe these sentences will turn into pages in a book I do not have that answer. I can only choose to endure and see what the Lord will have.
Until Heaven or Sooner,